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They lived happily and had many crises: the secret of couples that last

Céline and Bob were cooing. Three months ago, the young couple in their thirties was enjoying their intrepid project: getting married! "But there, we are no longer very sure," says Bob in consultation. "I cried all night long," adds Céline. They suddenly feel like two kids forced to please their families. "The worst thing is that now they are harassing us," adds Céline. So, committing to two, really? "It would be a good idea to think together about how you want to continue your story," suggested couples therapist Caroline Kruse. This marriage counselor, who has been practicing for thirty years in Paris, has just reported in a tasty work, Le Savoir-Vivre amour (Éditions Le Rocher Poche), all that she has collected from scenes of married life that have been developed in inside his office. The goal? Questioning the couple in a very broad horizon to finally help each to grasp what "feeds love, by freeing themselves from preconceived ideas and models".

Also read"You don't love me anymore?" : couple therapy, the words that move you forward

The couple, a notion out of time

And the first novelty perhaps resides in the fact that today, men and women enter his office at younger and younger ages, between 20 and 30 years old, often shortly before the scheduled wedding date, as if seized with panic: are we going to know how to last? Or, in other words: is it worth embarking on this marriage, at a time when so often… it doesn't last?

For this generation of aspirants to conjugality, who are wisely going through the stages (the first sofa, the first apartment, the first child), it is now a question of navigating in the midst of a paradox. "Many young people in their thirties used to a society where everything is accelerating - we change jobs, partners more quickly, we communicate more quickly... - respond to this dizzying speed gain with a fantasy of duration", reacts the philosopher Marie-Robert. "These young people do not want to reproduce their parents' divorces, their arguments or their excuses -" We stayed together for the children ", for example -, explains Caroline Kruse. These thirty-somethings want their union to remain alive. They do not are not necessarily in crisis, but they want to be reassured before they start."

A couple that lasts is part of this qualitative time

In the process, has it finally become extravagant to believe in lasting happiness together? In France, INSEE carries out the count every year. Thus, the Institute recalls that in 2016-2017 there were 228,000 marriages recorded for 128,000 pronounced divorces, half of the marriages therefore ending in divorce. This trend has, notes Caroline Kruse, probably been accentuated with the fact that divorce by mutual consent has eased in 2017, the passage before a judge no longer becoming necessary. The freedom of choice acquired, the plurality of models and possible alliances, "this is what, paradoxically, has contributed to making the couple as fragile as overinvested", continues the therapist. And the image of Épinal, which still flirts with the idealization of the couple that lasts, is torn on the wave of statistics: 20% of couples explode after five years, when, in the 1980s, 70% of young people installing together lasted at least fifteen years, according to a study by the same Insee published in 2015.

Also read"Syld", the perfect notebook to take stock of your relationship

In the video, is pair-care the couple's new longevity secret?

A matter of algorithms?

How to resist the hurricane of children, to the intermittences of desire and the algorithms of Tinder that titillate the libido? Does longevity as a duo still make sense in the era of planned obsolescence? This lifelong obsession with couples is such that since 1986, the serious Love Lab at the Gottman Institute at the University of Washington in Seattle has submitted more than 3,000 couples to his observations, like lab rats, to understand the secret of longevity. "Thanks to revolutionary mathematical models, we can confidently predict the trajectory of a relationship, says the Love Lab. Even more importantly, we can now offer data-based suggestions to adjust the trajectory of the couple's life. " Like what love is also a matter of algorithms.

They lived happily and had many crises : the secret of couples that last

In her fascinating podcast Philosophy is Sexy, Marie Robert analyzes the notions that nourish - or rot - the life of a couple: "love", the most unreasonable of obsessions; "the dispute", because of a GPS error or a washing machine; "the meeting", drowned in routine... And the duration, we ask him: what is a couple that lasts? "It has nothing to do with the years. Bergson tells us that there are two times: the time of watches, objective - one more year is one more year - and the duration, the subjective time which belongs to the individual, emphasizes Marie Robert. If you have a very good holiday, you have the impression that it lasted two days, if you are bored in meetings, you find it endless. qualitative time. Rather than obsessing over counting the years, why not ask ourselves what binds us to the other: does he/she still intrigue us, do we still admire him/her? do we still want to be together?"

Practical advice

First viaticum from Caroline Kruse's manual: the perfect model doesn't exist! “How many have I received who said to me: “Nothing is going well between us. In the eyes of our loved ones, we are the ideal couple. If we separate, it will be a cataclysm almost more for them than for us!" "It is not easy to give up idealization, adds the therapist: "Even if it constitutes the worst of traps, since, by definition, fixing an ideal amounts to exhausting oneself from never being able to attain it." Observing the couples, she assures him: "At the beginning of a story, it's wonderful, we find everything in the other, who finds everything in us. The narcissistic benefit is mutual. But, one day, the princess becomes frog and the prince, toad. For a relationship to be built lastingly, you have to get out of the romantic illusion. Reveal your imperfections and support those of the other."

In video, the 10 secrets of couples that last

In thirty years of consultation, has the therapist finally identified some of the secrets of couples that last? As we suspected, his treatise on Amorous Savoir-Vivre is not a recipe book, but a path open to respect for the partner in his otherness. Crossing two unique stories, each couple is necessarily different. Nevertheless, a constant invites itself: "Already, it is advisable to avoid putting pressure on oneself by repeating oneself: my relationship must last! This shows a lack of confidence in the other. Second pitfall, considering it as acquired. To last is to readjust together, like the Argo ship, all the parts of which change as the voyage progresses. And also not to be bored together: love is worked on, for everyone her ritual. Third difficulty, tell each other everything! A one-night stand, useless to talk about it. Infidelity is a poison, there is no need to poison the bond. But if it reveals a deep malaise , it is better to discuss it”, concludes Caroline Kruse.

We must seize the tipping point that will take us further

And that's often where the shoe pinches. In the practitioner's office, as with most of her colleagues, in therapy, one out of two couples complains: "We don't talk to each other anymore!" How to get out? In the eyes of the psychiatrist Jean-Paul Mialet, who devoted a book to it, L'Amour à l' test du temps (Editions Albin Michel), today we demand too much of the couple, in priority that they exalt us. "While it's a difficult joint task that requires being inventive, attentive to others. Always marveling, it takes work. One of my patients gave me his secret, the 3 Cs rule : concessions, concessions, concessions!”, shares the doctor. “We must not fear crises or bend our backs when they arrive, or clench our teeth or our fists, advocates Caroline Kruse. But rather swim with the wave. And seize the tipping point that will take us further away."

1. Letting go

Marianne, 46, French teacher, and Francisco, 42, architect, married for 15 years, living in Colombia, 1 child.

Their first wedding anniversary was to be a romantic weekend in Deauville, it was a disaster: "We argued non-stop," says Marianne. On the beach, it was sure: "We are going to divorce!" Fourteen years later, her husband is the man she loves "most in the world". Francisco and Marianne come from “two different planets”: he is Colombian, she is Parisian. This otherness which has magnetized them since their meeting has also earned them many disputes. In the dinners where it debates, they don't agree on anything. In their life, she turns against herself, he doesn't understand. Therapy with a "formidable" shrink helped them strengthen their bond: "I understood that Francisco was not against me and that I was not going to change him." Their secret? Let go. Once a week, the couple opens a good bottle, discusses, has fun. Francisco, reputed rather "bear", still surprises her with a "you're very pretty" when she least expects it, disheveled, in pajamas. Their very physical relationship at the beginning was tempered: "We say to ourselves that it is normal and that there is no danger in the house."

2. Find your "playing partner"

Louise, 47, and Gabriel, 48, screenwriters, in a relationship for 22 years, settled in Paris, 2 children.

The apartment, the baby, the dog… Louise and Gabriel (1) never fantasized about a pre-planned course. "Otherwise, we would get bored quickly, notes Louise. My secret is that I have found my playing partner." The routine of homework and errands has found a powerful antidote to keep the flame going: fiction. The duo, who met during their studies, collaborate on scenarios, invent universes. "We try to make each other laugh and, if we are bored, to recognize it", continues Louise, who at the same time receives this SMS from Gabriel: "I thought of a scene, I have to tell you!" This "communion" does not make them a fusional couple. Everyone values ​​their independence and carries out their own projects. When Gabriel leaves for editing, Louise takes care of the family logistics. She's used to it, because she lives with a dishwasher phobic. "As I quite like being in control, this distribution of roles suits me. The couple is like medicine, you measure the benefit/risk ratio. Sometimes, we sometimes argue very strongly, but the humor helps us defuse that. Gabriel finds a joke and we move on."

(1) Names have been changed

3. "You shouldn't share everything"

Élise, yoga teacher, and Christian, retired engineer, 74 years old, married for 53 years, settled in Hérault, 2 children.

Their "love at first sight" took place at the maternity ward: Élise and Christian were born six days apart in the same ward at the Hôtel-Dieu in Lyon. “My husband always told me that he had spotted me from the cradle!” laughs Élise. Their real meeting took place at the age of 16 in a youth club. Married at 21, the couple has always sought to get out of the box. They had their punk period, traveled to Togo or South America leaving their daughters behind. She describes herself as mystical and introverted; he, Cartesian and hypersocial. Two personalities that complement each other without being confused. At home, everyone has their own space, everyone has their own bathroom. "You shouldn't share everything, she underlines. Nor should you try to shape the other. Which wasn't always easy when Christian was hanging out in a tracksuit, when he left looking the part at work. !" To thwart small, exasperating faults, these guerrillas of love have parades: buy flowers or cook their favorite dishes for the other, “show your tenderness with small gestures”, summarizes Christian. Never live in a vacuum: receive friends, family, grandchildren. Despite everything, when you live together for so long, the desire oxidizes. Élise needed to look "elsewhere" if she liked it. There was a breach of contract. She told Christian: "It was make or break." The fear of losing the other brought them together: "Overcoming this obstacle was a new start. This questioning allowed us to see what we really cared about. At 74, we still join hands in the street !"